What's been saving my postpartum life?
Just a few things that have made a difference in my mental health since baby AND they are not baby products
It’s been quite a bit since I’ve posted, but here I am, post-baby and sur-thriving? I’m basically doing better than surviving, but not thriving. So I thought it would be appropriate to come here and answer the question Barbara Brown Taylor first asked, “what’s saving my life?” This is from her book “An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith” which she describes the practice as:
"the conviction that there is no spiritual treasure to be found apart from the bodily experiences of human life on earth. My life depends on engaging the most ordinary physical activities with the most exquisite attention I can give them. My life depends on ignoring all touted distinctions between the secular and the sacred, the physical and the spiritual, the body and the soul. What is saving my life now is becoming more fully human, trusting that there is no way to God apart from real life in the real world"
This is a practice that helps us to feel more connected to ourselves and our lives by naming what is making a difference. Although she speaks of it as a spiritual practice, it doesn’t necessary have to be. A few writers and podcasters I follow answer this question once a quarter and I felt it would be helpful for me to reflect on what has made this postpartum period more livable and enjoyable. This is not prescriptive, but maybe something to get your neurons firing about what are the things or ideas that are saving your life, no matter what stage of life you’re in. I also should add, that my husband, faith in God and my friends and family have also been majorly significant life rafts in this time, but they are kind of a given for me, so here are the other things that have held some significance.
Choosing seemingly small activities and low expectations for self-care. In the week before and the weeks after after giving birth, I would ask myself, what would make me feel like myself today? The first week, it was brushing my teeth. So small, but so meaningful to me. This seemingly small act helped me to feel a little grounded in such a chaotic time. It also helped me to practice putting something important to me first at some point during the day. As I have come back to my footing and routine sets in, the answer changes, but I try to still keep the answer to “what would make me feel like myself” and the expectations around the activity small and doable.
Reality television. I did not feel the instant love and tenderness towards breastfeeding that some women feel. So to make it more enjoyable to feed, I started watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (RHSLC). Actually, I started with Parenthood and when I finished that I watched RHSLC because I needed something a little frothier. I simply needed a good escape to look at outfits, girls trips, and some good ol’ fashioned relational aggression (BONUS with Salt Lake City there was also the crime piece with Jen Shah and the faith deconstruction conversations that are interesting to me).
Other things watched during mat leave: Hacks (HBO, BRILLIANT), Below Deck (Peacock, always a crowdpleaser), Apples Don’t Fall (Peacock, very visually interesting, engaging and finished it in a day), Bridgerton (Netflix rewatched for the new season), Parenthood (Hulu, rewatched and comforting, but also might make you cry your eyes out), Buying Beverly Hills (Netflix, debating if it’s better than Selling Sunset), Vanderpump Villa (Hulu, did not finish this one, it was visually interesting but the drama was subpar)
Spindrift, Island Punch. Okay, so definitely have never been a seltzer person. I do like High Noon, but have been wanting something non-alcoholic that is tolerable since getting pregnant. I don’t like fake tasting sugary things and I tried some non-alcoholic spirits such as Seedlip and Ritual. Both were just not cutting it. I like something refreshing, but not too sugary. My brother, Ian and his wife Emily are big Spindrift people and I had tried it before. Insert this new flavor, Island Punch, which is the classic Hawaiian POG (Passionfruit, Orange and Guava juice). It’s so refreshing, not too sweet and brings me back to sandy and sunny days being slathered in Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen. I’ve been cracking one of these open every evening and it is such a nice ritual for when things have been pretty unpredictable.
Vuori Joggers. Not much to say except that they are so soft. My postpartum uniform was these joggers, nursing camis from Amazon and a cardigan. It was easy and fit me throughout pregnancy and postpartum. I was gifted a pair a few years ago and since then I’ve bought two more pairs. They are elevated and luxurious, but can withstand some spilled milk.
A fence. Definitely a bigger (and scarier) purchase than most of these things, but it was an answer to a question of how can we make life easier or more manageable. At the end of January, my husband, Vishal, broke his ankle (I was 36 weeks). This was a gigantic curve ball for us. When this happened, our dog, Dude, went to live with my parents who have a fenced in yard. We realized that it would not be feasible to walk him 5 times a day me being 36 weeks and continuing to become less able to walk far with him and with Vishal being out of commission. We had Vishal’s sister with us towards our due date and she was able to walk him, but we knew it wasn’t going to be sustainable when baby was here. Long story short, we got a fence and it changed my life. No longer did I feel guilty about Dude getting many walks. I did not have to worry about him getting away and not being safe. AND I have never seen so much joy in my life when this dog goes into the backyard.
Ellie Holcomb music. I have been listening to Ellie Holcomb since college. If you know me, you may know that I am spiritual and follow the Christian faith. Her music has been a beacon to me for the past 10 plus years. Sometimes when you’re going through something new, you need to lean on what has worked in the past. Her music is scripture based and also very visual, which has gotten me through college, grad school, and many other events in life. Her music is something I always come back to, even the albums that are meant for kids. Anyway, I’ve been listening to it when baby is crying and I don’t know what to do, so I’ll sing and bob with her and usually it does the trick (with the kitchen hood fan as well). Obviously, I’m not a parenting expert, I’m just getting started here, BUT, her music helps me to regulate and ideally helps baby to regulate? So far it’s kinda working. Our favorites are: Light of Your Love and Always on her children’s EP Sing: Remembering Songs, but she also came out with a Psalms album in April that has also been so good.
This Lazy Genius Episode on Change: Throughout most of pregnancy and now postpartum, I had my doubts about motherhood and a lot of fears around my capability and capacity for being a parent. Any change in life (even GOOD changes) come with doubts, fears and some anxiety and it is completely normal. These can be a sign that you care about your life and you want things to go well. But as you probably know- the ambiguity of change can be pausing and at worst mentally paralyzing. This episode and journaling the questions posed really helped me to reframe what I wanted this time to look like. It helped me to prioritize what mattered to me. In this episode she lies out 4 principles of a big change and two questions that helped me to nail down what was bothering me.
They are:
I don’t have to wrap my head around every part of this
I don’t have to anticipate every need
I don’t need to expect every thing to be smooth all the time
I don’t have to have all the answers right now
There is so much self-compassion and kindness in these statements and they were very permission giving to help me figure out why I was so afraid and what matters most to me in this season. What I was afraid of most was postpartum depression and what mattered most to me was listening to my body and being kind to myself. This helped me to direct myself to the things that I could actually control in pregnancy. This walked me through pregnancy and her permission giving concepts brought me into postpartum. Honestly, most of her podcasts help me to be more of an adult and person I want to be (instead of what I think I should be).
Prozac. I don’t think I had ever been so diligent about anything in my life. I started taking Prozac in 2019 during a difficult time with work and it changed my life. I finally felt like I could access some of the skills and knowledge I had known for myself and had been teaching my clients. However, I often struggled with consistency in it, taking it for a few days, forgetting a few days. As stated above, the biggest priority in this time was my mental health and recognizing this really helped me to be super consistent. I took it every day after birth and although I can’t say for sure if it prevented me from developing postpartum depression, I know it has made a huge difference for me in the past 5 years with my anxiety and depression struggles and this time has been better than expected overall. So yay Prozac!
I write all this, again, not to be prescriptive, telling you what will save your life, but to encourage you to think about the things that might be saving your life or are bringing you joy in this season wherever you are.